We keep on keeping on

It was last Tuesday, I think, that things got too much.

I had two meetings on in the evening of that day.

They sort of overlapped and I decided I could get to most of the second one after the first had finished.

So I began to read the papers for the second one early in the afternoon…

And found myself crying and unable to understand a word.

That frightened me.

The last time that happened was when I had a bad breakdown way back in about 2002.

As if everything was too much, and I simply couldn't deal with it all any more..

I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like this right now.

We will all have our feelings of "it's all too much" and I don't need to list the reasons why.

All I could do was stop.

My Ines says:

Certain things I just don't understand.

Why light still shines in the sky

Or grass grows or birds still sing in the tree

Why life goes on.

Why won't it stop

Why won't it stop & attend to me

But the world still turns.

I try to understand what I've been told

& I try to believe the ground is still supporting me

Somehow these things seem contradictory.

And a voice says: Its true. Its happening.

Its happening to you.

Not a cruel voice,

Just cold. Indifferent as the sea.”

And I did stop, and I did try to have a quiet rest of afternoon and evening.

The trouble is the world doesn't stop…

First thing each morning I spend my moment reading a little bit of the Bible

And I can stop the voice saying Why are you reading the shit

And stop myself arguing with it and just look

Just open my eyes and look

Down at the water

Or up the sky

And sit quiet a while it all keeps me going, somehow.

This morning I got to a bit which inspired these words from Queen Jesus:

"we all have a light inside us, and sometimes it's a very thing we've been taught to be most ashamed of.

And if you have a light, do you hide it in a closet?

No! You bring it out into the open where everyone can see it.

And be glad it exists to shine in the world… "

And so. I go on:

And my love and thanks to all of you.

Because you keep me going too…