Yes, I'm getting old...

Photo by Eyasu Etsub on Unsplash

“Pain in my hips, fear in my heart, old age falling on me like a mudslide”

a poem I began at four in the morning two weeks ago,

a poem I've taken no further,

partly because living does really often feel like wading through mud

or picking my way through dangerous debris

and there's an exhausting kind of quality to it often

and it takes up all my energy,

partly because I've no right to complain,

life is such a gift

and in this dangerous world for trans people,

where we trans people have a shorter life expectancy than most,

us being so prone to violent death

or the slow, violent, insidious, self-inflicted violence that comes from internalised hatred

and so still being alive at 75 feels like a gift and a miracle,

a gift and a miracle that carries the obligation to say all the things that need to be said

the things that only I can say

and say them for as long as I can say them,

and there isn't really any time to complain

and old age is not really falling on me like a mudslide,

old age is a new chapter,

a door slowly opening into a new world

Beyond the paywall is a wee reflection on getting old.

This other transition that everyone who lives long enough needs to navigate…

and go through the door with joy, maybe, and curiosity, maybe, and love….